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Living With It

The nurse for the second surgeon was kind and motherly. When I balked at the impossibility of our situation, she advised us to make the best decision we could with the information we had and then not look back.

Which is much easier said than done.

The most common question I've been asked since deciding not to do this hip surgery for Collin is: Are you relieved?

Yes, I'm relieved to have the decision behind us. I'm relieved that he will not have to endure the surgery. But we also went into this knowing that there were substantial risks either way and that with either route, we were choosing the set of risks we could live with. And that's exactly what we have to do with this decision: live with it.

Because the answer is also no: I'm not relieved. Every time Collin seems to be uncomfortable and I don't know why. Every time his right foot rolls worse than normal or his legs scissor while he's in the gait trainer. Every time the thought sneaks up on me. I worry that we made the wrong decision.

Of course, I would be second guessing our choice even if we had gone the other route. So the crucial part of living with this decision is using my doubts as an opportunity to remind myself. I remind myself not only of why we made the choice we made, but also of the things we were reminded of in making that decision: our big picture, our approach to Collin's childhood, the pattern we have laid out for ourselves with all of the decisions we've already made and lived with.