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Deciding

Even if there are no good options, you still have to make the decision.

When we left our appointment with the surgeon, we went for ice cream and agreed not to talk about it until we had had some time to process. It took three full days.

We started off just saying some things out loud -- things we were afraid of, things that seemed so unfair. Eventually, details started to surface and shuffle around and settle down where we could see them. We felt ourselves leaning in one direction, but also saw the gaps in our knowledge. 

I did more research. I contacted doctors and therapists with more specific questions. And Kyle and I talked and talked and talked, first with each other and then with my sister and brother-in-law, who are Collin's guardians in our will. Here's what came out of those talks:

When Collin was a baby, we were new to impossible decisions and most of them pertained to Collin's survival. Since then, we've had years of practice making tough calls and when we looked back over them, we saw a pattern: we have aimed for maximum impact with minimal intervention. 

I call it a fortress of support. We build it around and under him with therapy and specialists, but also with down time and nutrition and lots of individualized attention. We try to give him every opportunity to go as far as he can and follow him as he goes (or stays), remodeling his fortress as needed.

With that in mind, we couldn't see doing an incredibly difficult and invasive surgery to prevent something that may never happen. If we lived in the land of trying to prevent scary things that might happen in Collin's future, not only would we constantly be subjecting him to procedures, but we would lose our minds with worry.

And so we decided not to do the surgery.

We are not afraid to do hard things. This is not a way to avoid difficulty. In either instance, we knew we would be accepting a set of major risks on Collin's behalf. These were the risks we could live with.