After our wonderful, inclusive pre-K program last year, I slipped into thinking that a positive long-term educational experience might be possible for Collin. The teachers and administrators trusted that we knew Collin best. They listened to our input and acted on it. We all learned together as we went, asking questions and adapting as needed, thus creating a mutually beneficial learning environment.
Some people hint that I'm being naive when I explain what I want from Collin's school experience, but I'm not; I've seen it.
However, every step since our first contact with the public education system has been a fight. Every answer is no. My calls aren't returned. Every 'authority' throws up his or her hands and claims there's nothing they can do. The advice I'm getting from other parents and experts involves filing official grievances and contacting professionals. I haven't been squeaky enough, they tell me.
But as I read books on special education law, pen letters, and make lists of people to call, I find myself asking: What am I doing?
One part of me says: It's Collin's legal right to receive a free, appropriate public education and I dare somebody try to keep him from having it. I will not allow my son to be placed in a certain school or classroom or situation just because it's cheaper or more convenient. I will not give up on the idea that I can send him to his local school without fear for his safety. I will not let go of the image of Collin surrounded by typically developing peers with every support he needs to be integrated to his fullest potential. I will not accept reasons like "policy" or "protocol". I will not defer. I will not be put off.
But another part of me asks: Why am I really fighting this? Just to win? Will Collin be getting anything better from the public schools than he would get from a combination of homeschool and community activities? Is this battle for Collin, or for the principle of the matter?
I don't know. And I don't know how to sort through the questions and motives that inevitably surround an issue like this one. For now, I am taking small steps in both directions. I'm flipping through curriculum books, thinking about fine motor activities, and scouting out groups of peers. I'm making calls and getting things in writing and educating myself. And - all of the time - I'm reminding myself that, either way, Collin is going to be just fine.